When we’re feeling anxious about an argument, our natural instinct is usually to lash out resulting in more nervousness and anxiety. Keeping your cool and avoid giving in to your partner’s demands is an art of self-control and awareness. Not easy staying calm in an argument when you’re in the thick of it.
Don’t make any assumptions
One of the best ways to stay calm in an argument is to avoid making any assumptions. Instead of assuming ask questions without invalidating their feelings. Could be they’re just in a bad mood or they’re having a bad day. Keep an open mind by not jumping to conclusions and assigning motives to their argument thus escalating the disagreement even further. You might be surprised to find out that your partner is just having a bad day or that they are having a difficult time trying to relax.
Who They are?
We get so close to our partners we forget they are as a separate person and not always an extension of ourselves. Often, I take a step back to see my partner as a complete separate and unique individual when confronted with an argument. That’s all fine and good yet what about our instinctive nature to argue back or as some say fight back?
Understanding oneself makes it easier to know when an argument is evolving to a more aggressive conflict. That is if you want to put the brakes on it before it gets ugly. Parameters have to be in place before the argument even begins. For example, remembering a line from the movie “The Incredible Hulk”, I told my partner when I say this while we are arguing it’s time to let it rest for a while.
“Don’t make me angry. You’re not going to like me when I’m angry.”
This self-understanding makes it easier to recognize when a tense situation is escalating to the point of aggressive conflict. Having a safe phrase to let your partner know you’re at a saturation point works. The argument may not be settled but at least nothing hurtful was said. Going back to it later when cooler heads prevail is always better.
Be The First to Apologize
It might help to apologize first even if you don’t know what you did. Obviously, you did something. Whether it’s for being rude or just being annoying, an apology can go a long way. It acknowledges your partner’s feelings, demonstrates that you care, and lets them know that you’re willing to work on the problem. Apologizing also lets your partner know that they don’t have to take things so personally. It’s important to remember that, while arguments are a loaded exchange full of emotions, both parties are still just trying to solve their problems.
Try to stay away from personal attacks
Personal attacks are very common in arguments. During a dispute, one partner will often try to attack the other’s character, while the other counterattacks. This can quickly spiral out of control and become very destructive. Instead of attacking your partner’s character, try to stay on track by addressing the argument itself. Your partner might be trying to get you to change your position on an issue, so try to address why you feel the way you do.
Stay in your own lane
Most arguments are going to be about issues that are related to your relationship. But you shouldn’t let that distract you from your responsibilities as an independent person. While the argument is happening, try to stay in your lane. You might be tempted to get caught up in your partner’s issues, but you should still try to keep your head in the right place.
Be flexible
While you should try to stay in your own lane during an argument, it’s important to be flexible. Changing your mind or giving in to your partner’s demands doesn’t solve the problem. During an argument, try to stay flexible and open to compromise. If your partner is asking you to change your mind or to do something that goes against your morals, try to find a way to compromise.
Let your partner know how you feel
While you’re trying to stay flexible and address issues, it’s also important to let your partner know how you feel. Arguments can get messy, and it’s easy to filter all of your words through your own thoughts. But, you should try to remain objective and try to let your partner know how you feel without attacking them.
Don’t take things personally
It’s important to try to keep things objective during an argument, Arguments are also a way for partners to express their feelings. They might be angry, feel rejected, or be trying to get something they want. During an argument, it’s important to remember that you’re still your partner’s partner. You’re not their enemy.
Staying calm and avoiding making any assumptions, attacking your partner, or taking things personally can help you keep your cool during an argument. You can also apologize, let your partner know how you feel, and keep things flexible. If you’re in a relationship with someone who often gets attached to negative emotions, it might be a good idea to create an environment that is less charged. It might sound complicated, but with a bit of practice, staying calm during an argument can be easy.
