By: Steven Barasch
Frustrated and Disappointed all because…………
We’ve all been there before. You hear what others say and you make assumptions about their intentions, and they either turn out to be right or they’re not. But it doesn’t matter what the result is because we all know that we assumed anyway. Life is full of misunderstandings and expectations. We expect people to react a certain way, but sometimes they don’t do what we expect them to do. Then we feel frustrated and disappointed because we weren’t prepared for such a reaction. Here are some ways you can live without expectations, so that you won’t be disappointed by the unexpected.
The Difference Between Expectations and Reality
We all have expectations in life, but the problem is that life doesn’t always go according to plan. For example, you might think your sister will be happy for you when you tell her about your new promotion. But instead of being happy for you, your sister says she thinks it’s easier to stay at her old job because she likes the people there. You are surprised by her reaction and feel disappointed because you were expecting a different response from her. To live without expectations means to not make assumptions about what other people will do or say and take things as they come.
What Do You Expect?
● The Expected. You expect that someone will do what you say, do what you want them to do, or react in a certain way.
● The Unexpected. What happens when they don’t?
Living a Life Without Expectations
In order to live without expectations, you have to be aware of your expectations. You have to know when you’ve made the assumption and what it is so that when it doesn’t happen, you can move on. So many times, we just let our assumptions go unchecked and then we get angry when they don’t turn out how we expected them too.
But in order to live a life without expectations, you have to be mindful of where your assumptions come from. You have to be aware of that belief system because otherwise you will expect things from people who can’t give it to you. For example, if someone says something about your daughter and even though she didn’t do anything wrong or hurtful, you immediately assume they are talking badly about her because she was the only one in the room at the time. It could be that they were talking about their own daughter who has a similar name, and you jump to conclusions.
How to Avoid Making Assumptions
1. Live in the moment
We often make assumptions about others and set expectations for them. For example, we might think our friend will do something for us because we think they should or that they should help us with a problem because we know them, and they’ve helped us before. But what if your friend is too busy? What if you’re taking advantage of their generosity? What if they don’t want to help you with the problem anymore? We live in a society where we take for granted that other people will react to what we want, but sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. So instead of making assumptions, just be present in the moment and enjoy your experiences as they happen. You don’t need to worry about how people will react or what you should expect from those reactions.
2. Ask questions
If you want to know how someone else feels, ask them! If you want to know whether someone is busy and cannot oblige your request right now, simply ask them! They may tell you no, but at least it won’t come as a surprise later on when they don’t show up at your event or meet up with you like planned. By asking questions upfront, there is less room for misunderstanding. Manual pdf
3. Set clear boundaries
The more clarity you have about boundaries and expectations upfront, the better off you’ll be when things start happening differently than expected. For example, if I ask my friend to go hiking tomorrow morning and she/he says yes, but then tomorrow morning I get an email for an early work meeting and can’t go. If we had discussed the possibility of me not being able to make it in advance, there would be no awkwardness between us because we know each other well enough that this is an issue that could come up at any time.
Don’t assume that people have bad intentions
One of the biggest assumptions people make is that other people have bad intentions. This causes a lot of misunderstandings and feelings of betrayal. We think that if someone does something, it’s because they did it on purpose to hurt us.
But sometimes, people do certain things without meaning to hurt you or upset you because they don’t know what else to do or say. Or maybe they don’t think about how their actions will affect you at all. It can be difficult for some people to make eye contact, let alone communicate with others in the way they need to communicate to not feel threatened or attacked.
If you want to live without expectations, put yourself in another person’s shoes and try to see things from their perspective before making assumptions about them. Chances are that your assumptions will turn out wrong and you may avoid feeling disappointment as a result.
Consider the context
One of the ways you can prepare yourself for the unexpected is to consider the context. If something doesn’t go as you expected, take time to think about what may have contributed to that outcome. What may seem like a snub or rejection could be due to that person being busy or stressed out by their own life. Whatever it is, don’t assume the worst; chances are it’s something else entirely.
Listen to what others have to say
First, you need to assume that people say what they mean. This is a good first step because it allows you to focus on what they’re saying, instead of thinking about their intentions.
Be sure to listen to what others have to say and don’t just jump down their throat with rebuttals. By listening, it will be much easier for you to understand them and appreciate their point of view. This can help you avoid misunderstandings in the future. Manual pdf You should also try your best not to interrupt when someone else is speaking unless it’s very important.
The personal relationship with your partner.
When I first started dating someone, especially the first date, I have zero expectations of having a great time or a bad time. The reason is simple. If I have a great time it’s wonderful and can say I truly enjoyed it. If it’s not a great time, then it’s still okay because I had no disappointments either. As a relationship grows into something meaningful and “serious”, there are many expectations that develop and understandably so. When we expect our partner to be a certain way, we may think that they’ll change their behavior for us or that they will be able to read our mind. When those expectations don’t match up with reality, we’re left feeling disappointed. If not addressed, the disappointment gets magnified and enhanced turning into a tangled string- ball of hurt feelings. Having expectations is part of the human experience though. This is why it’s important to set realistic expectations and understand the limitations of what you can hope for from your spouse or partner. You can also strive to communicate openly and clearly about what you need and what your expectations are. The keyword is communication.
Think about your own expectations. Manual pdf
One of the best ways to live without expectations is to think about your own expectations. What do you expect from people, businesses, brands, and situations? If you figure out what your expectations are, then you can work to either meet them or change them. You might also find that some of your expectations are unreasonable or unrealistic. For example, if you go into a job interview and you’re expecting for them to offer you the job just because it’s a nice thing for employers to do, then you need to adjust your expectation.
Steven Barasch
Sources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201312/5-benefits-having-no-expectations
No expectations, No disappointments: How to live a happy life (tonyrobbins.com)
Managing expectations (apa.org)
