By Steven Barasch and Michael Marchese
Self-deception is a defense mechanism that allows us to ignore or avoid troubling truths and uncomfortable realities. Instead of dealing with a difficult issue, we create a story that makes it seem less relevant or acceptable. Yet, self-deception is a normal and natural human behavior. We engage in it every day to protect ourselves from threats and pain. It’s a double-edged sword though as lying to ourselves can have negative consequences in our lives.
In the long term, self-deception can be a serious problem that you might not know you have. It is a maladaptive behavior. Maladaptive behavior is a type of behavior that isn’t helpful or productive. It may be used in order to reduce anxiety, but it is still not functional and should be avoided. In contrast adaptive behaviors are often able to change or adapt for different situations, which usually results in more productive outcomes for the person using them.
A Deeper Look
Self-deception is the art of deception that allows us to maintain a certain level of pride and self-esteem. It is a form of cognitive bias that occurs when we knowingly lie to ourselves. Cognitive biases are shortcuts our brains take to make decisions quickly and effectively. When we lie to ourselves, we are engaging in self-deception. When someone else lies to us, it is a direct attack on our identity. Therefore, we form a self-protective story that allows us to maintain a certain sense of pride and self-esteem.
Self-deception can be subtle. It can be a habit that is hard to notice. Like all habits, it is important to be aware of the signs and symptoms so you can take action to overcome it. Becoming aware of it is one thing. Doing something about it is another. Of course, this is true for all habits and addictions.
Examining Why We Self-Deceive
People deceive themselves in an unconscious effort to feel better about themselves, it is said by social psychologists. Evolutionary psychologists believe our brains can have conflicting beliefs at the same time and say self-deception comes from fooling others for one’s own advantage. When we are under stress, it is natural to want to protect ourselves and our loved ones. We might create a story that justifies mistreating someone or something. It can also protect us from the truth.
The truth is usually painful and difficult to confront. It can bring up emotions that we are not yet ready to feel. Therefore, it is easier to ignore or push it to the side.
“We deceive ourselves because we don’t have enough psychological strength to admit the truth and deal with the consequences that will follow.” -Cortney S. Warren Ph.D.
Self-Deception and the Brain
Neurobiologists have conducted numerous experiments to discover why we self-deceive. Our brains are naturally wired to avoid Pain and Threat (physical and emotional). Therefore, when we tell ourselves a story that is not true, our brains respond with a rush of endorphins and a sense of calm. This makes it harder to be truthful with ourselves.
The human brain is also wired to be Discriminating. This means that we tend to automatically notice and pay attention to things that are relevant to our survival. Therefore, our brain will automatically ignore or push away thoughts that are not important to our well-being.
Self-Deception and Relationships
People who are self-deceived have lower self-esteem and are less likely to communicate effectively with others. They tend to have a more critical view of others and have a harder time authentically expressing love and gratitude.
They also have a harder time formulating goals and priorities. They might put the needs of others before themselves and go against their own interests.
Self-deception can negatively impact romantic relationships. It can make it more difficult to communicate effectively and express love.
In romantic relationships, one partner might try to protect their partner from their perceived failures or weaknesses. The self-deceived partner might put the needs of the relationship before themselves.
Self-Deception and Mental Health
Self-deception has been linked to mental health problems. This is due to the fact that it creates an emotional roller-coaster that is difficult to manage on a daily basis.
In some cases, self-deception might be a sign of a deeper psychological problem. It can be a coping mechanism that allows you to push away negative thoughts. However, it is important to get help if this is the case.
Reoccurring Symptoms to be Aware of
Your emotions don’t match your words
Your behavior doesn’t align with your proclamations
Making Extreme Statements
Feeling inauthentic
Not open to input from others
You are never wrong
Finding yourself in over your head
To be clear, I am not referring to short term self-deception. For example, I had a terrible breakup with someone. Terrible for me.
I was down and out feeling my life was a total train wreck. In those days I would often go to New York to help a long-time musician friend set up and do sound checks at various clubs on my weekends. One particular club was called Nirvana in the Flatiron Building, that famous triangular building in Times Square. I got there early, and no one was there. I sat a table looking towards New Jersey. Admiring the view, I was still in total despair. Then a beautiful, long-haired blonde entered the room and walked straight towards me as if she was late for an appointment. She sat down smiling and began a conversation with me. I had no idea who she was, or do I recall what we talked about. All I know is I became so uplifted that inside my head it was like the Fourth of July. Bottom line is this. I believed this person was interested in me. I believed she wanted to see me again. I was uplifted from my despair and felt better about myself. Even when I found out otherwise, that this person was just being who she is, I didn’t want to let go of the feelings she empowered to me feel. Eventually I did let go of that self-deception and just celebrated the truth of how uplifted I felt. Short term self-deception.
On the other hand, I have a friend who is constantly complaining about things in his life. I give him sound advice all the time from job woes to family relationships. He refuses to take any of it. Even though his griping is constant, he believes his way is the only way. Anything else would be an admission of deceiving himself and that he was wrong. Long term self-deception. I can only observe what it’s doing to his life. Sad.
In order to overcome this harmful behavior, it is important to be aware of the ways you self-deceive. Once you have identified the areas in your life that need improvement, it is easier to start the process of change. Being aware is one of those direct challenges we are faced with.
It is a must to be honest with yourself. It may be painful at times, and you may feel vulnerable. This is the first step to overcoming self-deception. If you are not being honest with yourself, it is very difficult to be truthful with others.
Because of my love of music, enjoy the video below. It describes a place many of us have been at one point or another in our lives.
Plato wrote, “there is nothing worse than self-deception–when the deceiver is at home and always with you” (Cratylus 428d).
Sources:
https://web-archive.southampton.ac.uk
