Free Yourself from that manipulator

By: Steven Barasch

Contributing to this article: Sandra Cunha

No one likes to be manipulated. And unfortunately, we are all susceptible to being manipulated from time to time. This is not about those occasions when you’re persuaded to go to a movie or restaurant you don’t want to go too. Freeing yourself from that manipulator who has added a toxic level of anxiety and stress in your life is much more complex.

Manipulators oversimplify. They may turn a simple disagreement into moral judgment, casting themselves on the side of the angels and you on the other. If you don’t agree with them then automatically your reasoning is unreasonable no matter how logical it might seem from your perspective. Not even the most subtle difference will be acknowledged. No alternate interpretations considered like those that exist within both parties’ perspectives. The manipulator’s goal is primarily self-serving. In other words, to dominate and control. Tactics will include making themselves appear morally superior, outputting disinformation at times, appearing to be more knowledgeable or authoritative regardless if they are or not. They will also make sure people around them are believing something without questioning. These types of people are also unlikely to admit that they have a problem. They will deny that they have any defects and will even try to make you feel bad for having these “observations” if you dare point it out to them.

Look for the Signs

As defined on WebMD, “manipulation is any attempt to sway someone’s emotions to get them to act or feel a certain way. Manipulators have common tricks they’ll use to make you feel irrational and more likely to give in to their requests.” Ask yourself the following questions:

● Are they making me feel guilty when you resist something they want you to do?

●Are they constantly complaining about my behavior and thinking?

● Are they comparing me to other people and ideals?

● Are they lying to me, deceiving me, twisting the facts?

● When you confront the manipulator about any of the above, are you told that it never happened and given another set of twisted facts and lies?

They are always trying to ‘fix’ you: If you think that this person will ever accept you as you are, guess again. The manipulator will try to change you in every way possible. A key sign is when you notice they have unreasonable expectations of you whether it be on the job or in a relationship. In a relationship, eventually you will be told how you should feel bad because you’re one of the following: not thin enough/not pretty enough/not smart enough etc. In the workplace a manipulative boss might use any mistakes you make as a way to insult your abilities. Completing your work only because you’re driven by anxiety isn’t sustainable, nor healthy. Whether it is at work or in a personal relationship if you feel you are being manipulated, you need to take a step back, examine it and take an action.

So instead of going into all the personality traits, explanations of the why and how the manipulator manipulates let’s get right down to the direct challenge of stopping it

Stop Being Manipulated

Relationships:

When it comes to manipulation, one of the best ways is to identify the manipulative behaviors. Depending on the stage or type of relationship, finding a safe way out of the situation can be challenging. Especially if you are being manipulated by a loved one. Start by asking yourself the questions stated above. this can be difficult but also necessary for your own emotional well-being. Your goal is to maintain or regain that emotionally healthy state of being.

Dependency is another factor. The manipulator is going to make you feel totally dependent on him or her. Physically through sex. Mentally through controlling every aspect of your life. Financially by draining your wallet. Then one day you’re thrown out, discarded like trash leaving you emotionally scarred for a very long time. The link below is a very good article for developing an escape plan to save yourself.

Ending-a-Controlling-or-Manipulative-Relationship

Always remember that the manipulator has self-serving needs with the goal of controlling and dominating leading to eventual mental, verbal and even physical abuse. Hopefully you can pick up the warning signs before the relationship becomes totally toxic. So much so that escape will seem impossible.

2. @ Work

It can’t be overstated how the best way to handle manipulators is to become aware of what they are doing and use the knowledge you’ve gained against them. Awareness will help you push back on their tactics. You might find that there are others in your workplace who feel as though they’ve been manipulated, too! If you believe you are being singled out and being tied to the whipping post sort of speak, then the issue is not only manipulation, but discrimination as well.

A manipulator will usually try to dictate your emotions and tell you how you feel to get you to respond defensively with anger, fear, or sadness, which plays right into their need for control. It is best to be prepared for this by having a predefined response. Try this: “I reject your assessment of my emotional state.” This come-back validates your own self-worth and sends a strong message that you cannot be controlled.

Certain manipulators thrive on drama and want to start a confrontation to draw out your emotional state and suck you into theirs. Don’t fall for it. Rise above it by reducing their anger before you engage in conversation. Here’s what to do: Respond calmly with, “While I get you’re upset, I’d like to request that you calm down before we start discussing this issue.” This sends a clear message that you won’t be trampled on. It will also control your own urge to react to an attack with an attack or feeling you want to crawl into a dark corner.

Here is another trick that can help you deal with this situation with ease and humor. Imagine that there is a giant aquarium with thick walls between you and your manipulator. Sound can’t go through these walls. You can only see this person’s lips move, but you have no idea what they are talking about at the moment. That’s if you want to completely ignore them even though you are looking directly into their eyes. It’s called distract yourself and relax. If it was my boss doing this a little more thought has to go into it. I would get what they want me to do or what I didn’t do while I notice how their face contorts. How one eyebrow may be higher than other, or their ears are shaped funny.

There’s an added layer of defense if the manipulator is continually malicious with hurtful words, and comparisons by documenting the incident. Date, time, and a brief description to remind you of the incident. When you have a half dozen incidents or so, it’s time to go your boss or Human Resources. If it’s your boss who the issues involve, then you definitely have to follow the upward chain of command to your boss’s boss if not directly to your Human Resources Department.

You can be easily manipulated and taken advantage of if you don’t keep yourself aware and safe. Don’t trust anything the manipulator says, and never give them any personal or confidential information about yourself. This will probably be hard because they’re notoriously good at generating trust, but it’s important that you remember that even if you give them some information about yourself, the manipulators may use it against you later on.

Of course, you can always blast this song in their face if you’re really fed up: