By Steven Barasch:
Red Flags:
I know people who have literally been through hell by someone who controlled them. They suffer from all kinds of things in their post dramatic stress worlds. So, before you get too involved realize this: No one likes to be manipulated and controlled. And unfortunately, many fall into it as the controller is very subtle at first. The key is to see the red flags that indicate you’re being manipulated and controlled before it progresses into a hellish nightmare. If you’re ever unsure, start by asking yourself these questions:
Is this person hurting my feelings?
Am I withholding information from this person?
Does this person have too much of an influence on my decisions?
Is this person calling all the shots?
Do you constantly have to check in with this person?
Is this person isolating you from friends and family?
Are you detecting jealous behavior?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may have a controlling person in your life.
Defined
A controlling person is someone who tries to control every aspect of your life. It doesn’t matter if it’s what you eat, who you spend time with or what you wear. They want to control every aspect of your life and have an urge to constantly check up on you. They might even try to do this subtly, without you even realizing how much they’re meddling in your life.
Controlling people are often very romantic and affectionate at the beginning of a relationship. They may even be charming, funny and make you feel special. But as the relationship progresses, this becomes less and less likely. These types of people are also unlikely to admit that they have a problem. They will deny that they have any defects and will even try to make you feel bad for having these ‘observations.
There are a few ways people try to control others. Some do it subtly, some are more obvious. Here are some of the telltale signs that you may be dealing with a controlling person:
They are always trying to ‘fix’ you. If you think that this person will ever accept you as who you are, guess what? It’s not going to happen. They will try to change you in every way possible. You’re going to feel bad because you’re told you’re not thin enough/pretty/smart enough etc.
They have unreasonable expectations: They try to guilt you by saying things like: We all have skeletons in our closet. If you ever feel like you’re being manipulated when someone tries to guilt you, take a step back and examine your relationship.
Take Steps
1) Don’t make excuses for their behaviour:
2) Set boundaries: Boundaries are the lines you draw around yourself. For example, “don’t go through my personal belongings,” “making comments about my weight”, “humiliate me in private or in public.”3) Do things your way: Some people will try to convince you to do things their way. This could be anything from choosing a certain path in the bedroom to making a decision with your friends. If you ever feel like you’re being persuaded to do things a certain way, stand your ground.
4) Make your own decisions: It’s important to remember that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Be careful when someone tries to make decisions for you but you should never have to do what you don’t want to do.
5) Stay calm and focused: Try your best to stay calm and focused during a conflict. If you lose your temper, you will only make the situation worse for yourself. Try to stay objective when you can and don’t let this person get to you.
6) Talk to a trusted friend or family member: If you’re at your wits end, it’s important to talk to someone you trust. This could be a friend, family member, or therapist. Never keep bottled up emotions.
7) Take a break from the situation and come back with a better plan: When you’re fed up, take a break. This will help clear your mind and give you time to think. Once you’ve cooled off, you’ll be able to approach the situation with a clearer headspace.
8) Don’t feel guilty for not being around: It’s important to remember that you don’t owe anyone else time if you don’t want to give it. If someone is constantly bugging you about being around, try explaining that you need time for yourself.
Is there hope for you and the controlling person in your life?
That’s going to be up to you and how much you’re willing to endure. If you’re reading this, it’s likely because you’re dealing with a controlling person and not feeling good about it. That’s okay. You’re allowed to feel unhappy and resentful. But don’t let it consume you. Controlling people often feel insecure without someone to feed off of. They need to feel powerful, so they often seek this out in others. If the relationship is not abusive a good idea may be to talk about their behavior in terms of “I”
“I feel unhappy” which is better than a confrontational method. You’ll need to discuss ways to share responsibility or control and setting clear boundaries as to what is acceptable.
It’s important to remember that no one is ever going to completely change. You’re going to have good days and bad days. Remember though, controlling people often have a hard time accepting that they are not in control. This can make them furious when they realize that they’ve been duped into believing that they have power over you. Things can get dangerous at that point.
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