By: Steven Barsach
Expectations are part of the human experience. But they can also lead to disappointment. Here are some ways you may be setting yourself up for future disappointment with your spouse or partner.
1. Expecting that they will change their behavior for you or that they will be able to read your mind
2. Expecting them to meet all of your needs
3. Expecting them to know what you want without telling them
4. Ceasing communication with them when things get difficult
5. Expecting them to know how you feel without telling them.
Expecting them to change their behavior for you or that they will be able to read your mind
The first thing is expecting someone to change their behavior for you or that they will be able to read your mind. It’s easy to expect that they’ll do something different, like stop eating junk food when you’re trying to lose weight. But if they don’t make the adjustment, it can feel like they never cared about what you wanted in the first place.
Another way people set themselves up for disappointment is by expecting their spouse or partner to know what they want without telling them. “How do I know what you want if you don’t tell me?” They might ask. Sometimes this means being more specific about what you need, while other times it means letting go of expectations altogether and just being open about wants and needs on a need-to-know basis.
Expecting them to meet all of your needs
No one person can meet all of your needs, but if you’re expecting them to, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.
It’s very common for people in relationships to have a hard time meeting their partner’s needs because they don’t have the same set of skills or knowledge. If you’re not willing to try and work on being more understanding with their shortcomings, then this could lead to dissatisfaction in your relationship. You may also want to read this article on how marriage is an ongoing process that requires effort from both people: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201707/marriage-is-a-process
Expecting them to know what you want without telling them
If you want to avoid continual disappointment with your spouse or partner, it’s important to communicate what you want and how you feel.
Research shows that the inability to express oneself is one of the top reasons for marital dissatisfaction. Many people experience feelings of resentment about unfulfilled expectations. This can lead to deep unhappiness and a sense of betrayal. One way you could avoid this feeling is by telling your spouse or partner about your needs and expectations as soon as possible. For example, if you need space but want them to know that you still love them then it is best to tell them this directly rather than waiting for their misunderstanding.
Ceasing communication with them when things get difficult
You may think ceasing communication with your spouse or partner will make the problem go away. But, this isn’t true and it could lead to temporary relief which is not always a good thing. When you stop communicating, it makes the problem worse. You and your spouse or partner can’t solve issues if you’re not talking about them.
Start Thinking Differently
If you want a healthy marriage or partnership in the future, you’ll need to do a few things differently.
First, start by setting realistic expectations for your spouse or partner. This will help you avoid disappointment from unrealistic expectations that are never going to be fulfilled. Next, be sure to communicate with each other. It sounds simple, but it is the basis for a healthy relationship. Take time to say what you want and ask for what you need from your partner. That way, they won’t have to wonder what you want or need and can instead provide it for you. Finally, don’t neglect yourself in the process of tending to your spouse or partner. Being a good spouse or partner means being a good partner to yourself as well.
Related article: Managing Your Expectations of Others in All Relationships
12 Common Marriage Expectations | Biola University Center for Marriage & Relationships